we dream of ways to break these iron bars...

I had a really rough week last week dealing with things related to my job. In summation: I'm miserable. But who isn't...right? Well, I was super miserable...to the point that I seriously think I'm allergic to the place I work.

I have been looking for other jobs, but last week, I realized that I'm approaching [at double light speed] a time when it would be pointless for me to change jobs. The Husband graduates in May 2009, so, it really would be pointless for me to change jobs just for a year. Not to mention, the fact that it would be hard to get around [in a job interview]the fact that we're going to leave in a year. No one's going to hire someone who's husband is graduating in a year...and the reason they're where they are is because he is in school. SO. Realizing that I am most likely going to be at the job I'm at for another year is something that makes me want to pull my eyeballs out with an olive fork and fill the sockets with glass shards and lemon juice. It's very depressing to me.

At this point, I being my usual introspection..."Why am I so depressed about this situation? What is it about my job that I really don't like." Because...I normally reserve the glass near my eyes metaphor for really bad situations. And yes, my manager is an idiot...but that shouldn't make me feel like I want to claw all my skin off from 7-3:30 every day.

So I began thinking about all these things. What really is at the root of my depression about this job...why am I so unhappy? These are the conclusions that I came up with...and if you're one of the friends who listened to me rant about this situation last week, I really appreciate it. It's good to have people you can just talk things through with.

These are my conclusions:

• I do not want to live with regret. This is a very important thing to me, I've come to realize. It's why I hate making decisions. I CAN make decisions, I'm just afraid I'm going to wish I had chosen another option and regret the decision I made. One way that I evaluate regret in my life is by comparing myself to my peers. If I feel like everything's going alright, comparably, then I feel pretty good about whatever the situation is...relationships, jobs, life, etc. Right now, in my job, I feel like I'm way behind my peers/friends by what I'm doing. I didn't walk off the stage at graduation into a job that I like. (Which I know, most of you are probably rolling your eyes, but a LOT of the friends I had in the program I was in in college walked into really good jobs. BUT, they didn't have stipulations on their physical location. So comparably...you get the picture.) I feel like for the degree program I was in, I'm way behind the average...and I hate that.
  
  
• I value achievement very highly. I can't just be in the club, I have to be the president. I'm very much driven by the achievements of my life and feel that I need to be constantly working toward a new goal/new achievement in order to be "successful" in what I'm doing. I've lived my life very purposefully until now, and I think that's pretty evident if you know me. Now, I just feel like I'm floating around...not working toward anything...not getting experience in a field I want to be in (finance). This may be harsh on myself and I'm not being dramatic, but I basically feel that I'm a failure in the area of life titled "career." There's nothing about my work situation that I am proud of. Looking back, I know now that this is because my father instilled a very strong, "If you're not first, you're last..." mentality into my brain. Right now, this job is making me feel last. That is depressing.
  

In a conversation with A Cooke, I really began to understand what my problem is. She's really good at helping me realize these things. :) I realized and told her that when I look back on my life, I want to be at the top of the pyramid, whether that's career wise or family wise. (Whether I stay in the career world or I quit and be a Mom...) I want to know that I've worked as hard as I could and was successful. (Not just IN the PTA...but president of it.) I would then have no regret. She told me that when she views the end of her life, she just wants to have been a good mom and a good wife. I told her that to me, that is so ambiguous! How do you define success in that desire? She told me that I sound just like my dad. The thing is, she's right. I have this tiny voice in my head constantly reinforcing the fact that if you're not first...you are last. No one remembers number two. And if anyone says something along the lines of, "Well, achievement isn't all that matters..." like, college isn't just about grades, then it's just because they couldn't achieve. So for me to agree that there are things in life that are more important than achievement, I feel like I'm just copping out.

The funny thing is, if you look at where my dad is right now, since the separation, he's definitely not first. He's up to nothing goal-oriented.

I just have to realize that in life, there are things that are more important than achievement. Achievement doesn't equal success. It's just REALLY hard for me to believe that in my heart.

The other thing that I've realized is that since I've always hung out with people who are older than I am (by at least 3-5 years) I feel like I have the pressure on me that a 25 or 27 year old would have. The thing is, I'm just 22. The things that I've achieved in my life by now are good. And even if I'm just working in a job to stay busy and bring in money until The Husband graduates, I'm somewhat in my field...I mean, I'm working within the Business field, at least.

I just need to not be so intense, critical and analytical of my life. The hard thing is, that's like telling a fish to survive and live on land.